Blinking Ph(r)ase

I’m simply staring at the blinking cursor on my dark screen. It’s similar to my blinking phase in this very moment. I’m restless, scared, quite anxious and panicking as I don’t know whether I would be able to be alone with my kids for 3 months while my wife is studying in another country. But it’s not about putting blame on her as it’s not about her at all. I’m doubting myself & my capabilities. It’s the testing time for me to show I can take care. I’m trying to find the patience, peace – my grounding, as my mind is thinking military. The discipline I need to take care of 2 kids from early morning til I put them to bed & having a full time job, that’s normally full of deadlines. Not a big deal fir several single parents but I feel, our situation quite unique. So I’m kind of terrified but somehow, I’m able to stand on my ground.

Staring at the blinking cursor on this dark page
Feel the need to sprinkle brilliant dark dust from my scarred phrase
Even in darkness, I can see the reflection of my manic face
But it’s my perception, coz this is just a frantic phase

I can already feel the intensity
Tomorrow is going to bring the sensitivity
Things are going to change dramatically
The gravity has started shifting enormously
Feeling scared in the scarcity of the sacred serenity

Situations
Correlations
Aggression
Restlessness
Elevation
Desperation

These aren’t some random words, you might not understand the half of it
But if you connect them all, you would see S.C.A.R.E.D.
It’s already so real for me but I’m not ready to loose & forfeit
The demon of anxiety is dancing on the blood surface & giving me fits 
And I can’t see & sense the ground under my burning cold feet

Nerves are controlling me from time to time 
That’s what you’ve been reading in some of my ryhmes
Thoughts have started knocking the door of my mind
Asking me questions imprinted on my wrecked slides

Will I make it all the way or break in the middle?
Will I bear it till the end or sweat blood as I progress?
Will I be able to absorb it all or panic & become anxious?
Will I sense every moment or loose in a second my breath?

So many questions are shooting in my head
But I can’t find the answers, not just yet
So I decide to take the small steps to feel safe
To see the impressions on my path that I walk with respect

But then I sense my real senses
That bring me out of the situations in my verses
That has been throwing curves, a few of them reversing
It’s the real life scene with zero rehearsals

The grounding resets everything in an instant
Shows me the place where I intend to stay & stand
It reconnects me to the peace, where I don’t suffocate
And brings my pieces back to the real & true state
Where my form is formless & perfectly inaccurate 
Where my situations vanish just like the ghost from this page
Where scared state changes into sacred space

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