My Beloved

I can never forget that face when you were on those crazy strong meds
It was one of the toughest phases of our lives, I can easily state
Your eyes were mostly closed, you were sickly weak & on bed rest
Words were hard for you to speak & write, you became so frustrated & depressed
Helpless you felt deep down, so hesitant in asking for some help
That look of yours back then & I would feel those sharp knives in my chest

I would sleep on the floor, just next to you
It wasn’t easy though when I could see suffering & pain in you
The first time when I heard the rush, the beeping sounds & the panic in the night, was past ten
Someone in the same ward had taken the very last breath
Can’t forget lots of crying, screaming & total silence in the end
It was so sad to know that someone had died, it was game over, the end
But then the rush, the beeps & the panic became the regulars in every way
I would hear all that over & over every other day
And then I started feeling heavy & insane in my head
It seemed as if someone was playing the same CD with deadly & mourning track
Anxiety started creeping in my head & panic was the next
I would close my eyes & ears, to avoid that moment by playing blind & deaf
To simply block my body & mind from that crazy scene of death
I wanted to scream out of my lungs & run out of my own head
Before panic could knock again on my very shaky deck

I can never forget that one night when I didn’t understand
What you were trying to say & what you were pointing at
It seemed you had pain in your stomach, you were awake even it’s too late
I went twice to the docs that night & asked for some help
They were so incompetent, sleepy & careless, they didn’t do a damn
Told me it seems a common issue of stomach ache & gas
They said, take it easy & sleep through the night full of pain
Told me things would be alright next day, but that wasn’t the case
You were still trying to tell me that you weren’t feeling well
I told you to take God’s name & try to take some rest
I was simply repeating like a parrot what docs had just said

The next morning you weren’t moving at all & I got very afraid
Everything came to stand still & it wasn’t just you, who had lost the breath
I called the docs in a blink for help & they reacted that very instant
I was standing in deep shock & was holding every inch of myself
After rush & sweat they said, the situation was kinda okay
It was U-retention & life in you was back on track again
That moment my eyes were full of tears, I was still in deep shock & scared
Thankful to God; but to me, I was furiously mad & full of hate
Was asking the family constantly, how I could do such a huge mistake
Why didn’t I understand the body language of my beloved dad?
How could I be so naive that I believed the docs blindly, when my dad was expressing in his own way?
He could’ve transformed from sick dad to a dead body on that sick bed of death
The family said it wasn’t my mistake but they did understand why I felt like that
I even complained to the main doc about those 2, but I never heard anything after that
To this day it’s embedded in me, how you felt back then & it still makes me so sad

Daddy did come home after some days & the whole family was very glad
But I knew that it’s all a matter of mere time in fact
His eyes weren’t glowing & he had lost his inner strength
Sadly after some time, he returned back to another bed of intensive care
This time I chose not to pass by coz I knew a thing very well
I wasn’t ready to see my dad in the same scene of crazy pain under the roof of panic & death
One day my phone rang with the news I already had sensed
It’s the day when daddy’s soul had left the body to leave the family & that sick bed
I flew back to see you my dad, to be with the family & to perform the rituals while you lay cold & dead
To take you to the last journey, where your sacred body was about to be formless & one with the four elements

It was heart breaking but spiritual to give your body fire with hands of my own
The day after we had to collect the burning hot ashes & remaining of your bones
It was there I realized daddy, that your body was actually forever gone
That truth was quite painful & brought sorrow, is not a mystery
But I was happy, that you were finally free from your miseries
The memories of you I cherish, you were the Leo, the loving & strong foundation of our beautiful nest
I love you & miss you, my caring – dearest father, you were the best
This is my way of releasing the suppressed pain in this heart space

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