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Tag: Experience
Dark Skies
I feel broken, sad & I’m experiencing the pinching sensation in my brain. Not everything is the way I pictured & I’m now living with a broken heart. However, I’m still trying to learn; to see the light in this different form, covered with darkness.
Bright sunlight is falling upon my face
But dark skies have started covering my scarred phase
Trying to let it go from the mind, the top space
But heart is replaying the beat from that soulful place
Pain is what I feel
Sadness is what I’m surrounded with
My chest feels so heavy
Arrows in my body
That pinching sensation in my brain
Bathing in my blood
But the inside is even bloodier
Look deeper in the eyes
Eyes can never lie
No matter how hard they try to hide
The perception of the whole story
Perhaps this is also the way to heal
I knew the consequences
I knew there was these terms
So how can I complain?
Though heart is broken & bleeding
Blessing has different ways & forms
Shutting my eyes off
To clear the darker skies
From the light of that spiritual form
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Pills, Pieces & Peace
I am going crazy in my mind, tired in my body & loosing energy. Pain in my body, unable to sleep & epilepsy is making me to take quite heavy cocktail of pills – medication.
Taking the strong epilepsy pills twice a day since I’ve got the cramps
Every night painkiller & anti histamin join this insane party of flashy pills
Feeling doped but I still can’t sleep or get rid of the body pain
Hoping this all will soon end coz I don’t want to be pills’ dependent
Pills are keeping a few things away from me
But they’re also poisoning me slowly
So many chemicals in my body flowing, pure impurity
Don’t have enough energy to handle them & still remain me
The feeling of moving 2 steps forward & 1 backward
It’s not that things aren’t moving on the right path
But it doesn’t mean I feel normal as I used to be
Perhaps that’s the meaning to redefine & redesign me
Sometimes it’s irritating when I can’t hold the things with my left hand as I used to be
Every other day I’m breaking something into pieces, that brings the frustration into me
But I’m not giving up & I won’t coz keep failing is the way of learning
Mesmerized at the same time how brain has affected me physically & mentally
The feeling of handicap comes & goes when I can’t do the things I used to
Struggling to do the small things that used to be so normal back then to me
Where I never had to think of “how to” or “now let me see”
I must drop the phrase “that I used to be” coz I need to rewire to reach where I used to be
At times I feel the heavy burden on the whole family
Just want to break down this wall with my left fist & want to scream
Until every single brick gets crushed or falls apart
Where I retain my balance without my brain makes me feel dizzy
Don’t tell me it’s very normal
Don’t tell me this is how it is
Don’t tell me it’s a part of the process
Don’t tell me I’m not getting crazy
No, I’m not writing so you feel bad about me
No, sympathy is the last thing I need
Perhaps this is the reminder to be thankful for every single thing
It doesn’t matter if it’s big or small or very simple thing
I’m calm & determined but restless & annoyed at the same time
Complex but that’s what’s going on
Still learning to accept my situation
Where the key is patience & inner peace
They can’t be found anywhere but in the burning core of this human being
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Slow & Steady
I was feeling terribly frightened when I started picturing if I weren’t alive. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. I had a new bleeding in bleeding at the hospital and I started thinking, there’s a deeper meaning of it. The universe is trying to tell me, trying to teach things from the beginning. It’s like a new awakening. When I grasped that, my point of view changed, spiritual side has kicked in. The only way to survive & live is to take slow & steady steps.
Once upon a time
I saw the dark skies
The stars were shining bright
But the inside of me was in terrible fright
The night then passed by
The sun was showering its golden light
But I was picturing the worst if I weren’t alive
The confidence was lacking in me at that time
Picturing scenes with horrible endings
Where my family left behind with my ashes & nothing
Paralyzed body & unstable mind was planting these thoughts in my grounding
Everything was unclear & unsharp with bad timing
But then I invited myself to meet me
To look at the things differently with the eyes of spirituality
I believe everything happens for a reason, nothing is coincidentally
This bleeding in bleeding tells me something deeper than the mind can grasp mentally
Then I decided to reset my inside
I started to accept my new reality inside & out
I understood no wonder was going to happen overnight
Slow & steady progress is the only way to find the stable ground
To reach the unknown places, where I can reunite the soul, the body & the mind
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Piece of Mind
I’m frustrated, annoyed, sad, angry and having difficulties in focussing or doing anything as I keep comparing how easy it was for me before the brain haemorrhage. I can’t sleep at nights as my mind is talking to me constantly. I’m trying to reset my mind by looking at the spiritual aspect by living in the present; by dissolving the thoughts of my crazy mind. I am visualizing hope & light in the form fireflies that brighten the dark scene.
I can’t do several things in the now
That I used to in my previous time
The things that were already defined
The need to shout & cry
When things look different on my site
When obstructions are difficult to line
Wish to work, that I can’t deny
When my hand won’t work even though I try
When I feel helpless but I still keep going on & fight
I need to now quantify
To clearly justify
Then to nullify
The new awakening to simply redefine
To purely redesign
To mentally & spiritually refine
To simply search & find
To restitute my peace of mind
The obscure is the new defined
With this crazy mind
That speaks when I sleep at night
To walk me through my inside
To enlighten & give me the insight
To simply simplify
And then to synthesize
To make things synchronize
With this body & my mind
The formless form makes me to fly
To form the fireflies
That light the darker skies
That make my vision of a different kind
That’s so clear with infinite sight
Coz I won’t give up till I die
Sounds crazy but this is how I’m living my life
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Phase It
Phase it is a poem that was written when I got back home. I’m going through difficult times. I’m going back in time, where I had my own space at the hospital; where I was getting all the help. I’ve been snapping on my wife & kids and having constant mood shifts, where everything is simply wrong in my head. It’s equally difficult for them to have me back home. Every step used to be so 3 dimensional when I wanted to walk down the stairs as my mind was playing the trip & then I would simply loose the balance. I’m finding great difficulty in adjusting with family as I’m not alone anymore. I feel like going back to hospital to isolate.
So listen to me
I can see myself in me
That big spot in my brain I see
My body is cut into two with that seam
It’s just not the bleeding I feel
It seems as if my body & mind have been
Big scars that are ready to peel
My inner self will one day going to heal
But this all isn’t come for free
It’s not been easy for fear & pain to relieve
To inject hope & will power to believe
To simply change the scenery of this scene
This is what I truly & deeply mean
The pictures in my head & heart that need to be seen
Are not perfect but they are very real & clean
The therapists have helped me to refill & relive
The shaky stairs when I looked down made my mind play tricks
The balance I lost when I walked or stood still
The white angel once entered to rescue me from those two evils
The sleepless nights & body pain that made me so ill
Now I’m back home after over 5 weeks of rehab
I’m glad to be with family but I still miss the time at rehab
It sounds somewhat selfish but it’s true, I don’t wish to hide that
Slow & steady is the trick, I’m taking the baby steps
Hoping one day body & mind would synchronize their sensational act
I would very much like to feel & see that
Rehab phase 2 is about to begin & I’m ready to beast that
Peace of mind & peaceful heart is what I need to reach there
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First Phase
Soon it’s time for me to come home from the rehabilitation hospital. I’m still having difficulty in maintaining the balance & walking up / down the stairs. I’m quite nervous how it would be to come home. It’s still difficult to accept my new reality. All I know is that I need to take one day or perhaps, one moment at a time.
Soon my first phase of rehab is coming to an end
It’s full of steep ups & downs with so many bends
At times I was frustrated as if I were walking on the thin edge
Sometimes I had to walk on the thin line to maintain my balance
It feels amazing & weird at the same time when I sit in pin drop silence
I’m able to move my left arm & hand, it has become such a big thing
But it’s nerve wrecking to not have tactile sensation to sense & feel different things
Not able to stretch fingers & hold forms is quite frustrating
I’m still not able to understand my new reality, that I must embrace & accept as it is
I was mesmerized & frightened to see all those brain scans
The blood clot has formed the dark spot in my top frame
Sometimes my mind runs with top speed to sense where I am
Sometimes it makes me to think the unthinkable & what I can’t
Soon I’ll be going home to be with my family
Looking forward but nervous at the same time how my body & brain would react
Baby steps I need to take to ground myself & to reset
Telling myself, it’ll be alright, I need some time to regain my confidence
Coz I know well that sky is clear behind those clouds so dense
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Sleepless Nights
I’m in deep physical pain in my left side. I can’t sleep at all, even though I’m very tired. Anxious, frustrated & irritated all the way. The cocktail of epilepsy & painkillers is heavy, it’s driving me crazy. I’m simply loosing my mind, don’t know what to do with this pain, so I’m writing this poem late in the night.
Restless
Frustrated
Irritated
Lost
Tired
Is what I’ve been feeling
My nights are ending sleepless
Twisting & turning throughout the night
Trying to change the posture to sleep heavy
But the more I try, the less I sleep really
Pain in the left shoulder or right arm is driving me crazy
Every 2 hours, the red button I’m pressing
Painkillers & sleeping pills aren’t helping
Questioning myself, what is my suffering?
Is there something in my head that I’m speculating?
Is my mind talking to me constantly?
Or am I dreaming without even sleeping?
Just want to scream
That a proper sleep is what I dream
Loosing the patience
In my upper space
Hoping that the sleepless nights will phase out
And I would get the peace without sawing the dreamy scenes out
NAVIN’S POEMS © 2019
My Rehab
The name of this poem is My Rehab. I’m in fear, panicking and quite anxious. Questioning myself if I ever would be close to normal. I know, my family need me but what if I can’t make it – this feeling is terrifying. I’m in great shock & in tears. I’m trying to come out of my pain body, my patterns & trying to accept my situation. I hear these voices, which are showing me the right path, making me to believe in me, having faith & trust. This voice is healing me. Everyone is sending me positive energy; they have been very kind to me. I had lost hope in rehab for a moment but I believe in it slowly.
Picture this
I’m lying down on my hospital bed
Having this fear & anxiety
Questioning me to search the answers
Would I ever be able to feel my left arm, hand & left side of face
Would my left arm feel like a rubbery dead load for the rest of my life
Would I ever be able to run, jump, fight & play with my kids
Would I ever be able to drive car, ride bike or simply walk without loosing balance
Would I ever be able to be there for my beautiful wife, kids – the family
Would I let them loose me
Would I ever be able to bear the responsibility on my shoulders
Would I fail me & the family by letting me down
Would I ever be able to work with same efficiency
Or would I simply loose my focus
Would I sit still as a handicap
Tears started drizzling down my face
I was out of words
I was in the state of shock
This picture became so real
Fear & panic took over my thoughts, it’s so clear
But then I heard this voice
Let it be, just let it be
Accept it, simply accept it
Open your heart & embrace it
Everything will be alright
Have faith & trust
Believe in yourself
Believe in your will power
Focus
Meditate
Heal the body, mind & soul
Family, friends & well wishers are putting so much efforts in me, every single day
Nurses, ergo – physio therapists are investing so much energy in me, every moment of my life
All have been so kind to me
Have never felt this kind of energy & vibe
Pure & sacred
Team effort
Thankful to each & every soul
It makes me to remain in focus towards my goal
The rehab
I have started believing in
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Poem… Gratitude
I’ve received flowers from family & work, phone calls, video calls, so many text messages. It warms my heart when my family & I are going through this tough time. I can feel, I’m not alone. The therapists, nurses & whole staff has been there for me. This is poem is to express how thankful I am for this gesture. I’m at the hospital, paralyzed on the left side, hoping I’ll one day reconnect to my senses & will find the balance and body, mind & soul will become one again.
6 days back, I got the surprise from my wife
She placed the flower bouquet on the table by my side
It’s a card with wishes & warm thoughts from my dear family, department, colleagues & friends
Frequent visits, messages & phone – video calls are simply heartening
It’s just the most exquisite gesture
That you’re concerned & to put a thought of me
It always inspires me
And so nice to see
That you’re thinking of me
Touched & humbled from the bottom of my heart
That you have the hots for me
Gratitude & namaste for sending me the wishes & thoughts
I must free head
To see that
To sense it
To see self
To burn this
To sink ash
Atleast 21 days of rehab
I’ll be all new without I bleed that
To balance the psyche & body to prefab
This is what I’ve realized
That my new design is conceptualized
That my left arm & hand are paralyzed
That my self will be visualized
Soul & Mind can’t be standardized
Body & Soul are One, they can’t be vaporized
One without the other, is meditative, it’s quite mesmerized
So to put the numbers on the table
While I carry my numb left arm & hand
As I focus on this table
Balancing my legs & feet
As if it’s just slipping away from me
That slippery sand
Family, friends, work, & colleagues among others I’m gonna miss the most
My Beloved wife is always there for me & for our beautiful kids
Thankful to professionals as well
To always keep an eye on me
Needless to state in the end
That I’ll definitely be back
That’s what I intend
It’s the festivities of Christmas and New Year
So hang by the drink & dance on the sickening & crazy chilling beats
I’m sure you’re gonna miss me & my insane‐psycho beast
Till we meet again….
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