Honestly

It’s was a tough choice for me & I knew whatever I would choose, it’ll be a wrong choice. My loving wife gave birth to our second son just 4 days back & I had to leave her & my 5 year old son as my father’s health was deteriorating. To me, one soul has taken a new form in the form of this newborn baby, while other’s was about to leave the body. What to choose? How can I be a son & a husband at the same time without upsetting anyone? Family in India was calling me to come, which I understand. My wife was asking me to not leave as she had just given birth & was very vulnerable, which I also understand. I knew that my wife & family would survive; she’s a strong woman. So I chose to fly away from her. Pretty selfish, right? But was I really that? We’ll always have different opinions – different cultures, different persons, different rights & wrongs. I still hear that I have traumatised my wife, which is perhaps true. But no one understands why I did that. I know deep down why I took that decision. Honestly, I don’t regret it. However, everything comes with a price. It doesn’t take a lot to unbalance the balance & my zodiac sign is libra.

It keeps coming back
Every now & then
You’ll never forget
It was so intense
Why I chose that
When you birthed the offspring
I know exactly how you felt
Coz you still feel the same

I knew back then quite well
What’s going to happen 
You see, my zodiac sign is Libra
The one with the balance
But I can’t always balance everything
And I don’t intend
But one thing I knew for sure
It was so certain
And I was already preparing myself
I don’t pretend
No matter what I was going to choose
It’s about to happen
That moment would draw me closer to my hell 
It was destined

You had just given birth
And you needed me very much
But then……
I shocked you
I saddened you
I ignited you 
I agitated you 
I perplexed you
I pained you 
I drained you
I deranged you
I rejected you 
I abandoned you
I betrayed you 
I hurt you
I left you
I simply left our 4 days old baby
All alone with you

Yeah, it sounds harsh & sad, ain’t no sitcom
And why it should not when it was
It’s all real, not just the inner war
I was that devil, who drew at you his heavy sword
But it wasn’t about one part, you see that’s only a half
The other half was bleeding as well coz it’s full of scars
But now it’s time to melt everything down to ground & extrude the purest form

I can see, it still brings you back to that old scene 
Where I turned into that man, who seemed so mean
Yeah, I’ve heard it now several times
That way back I had a(nother) choice
You told me what others have said, what I chose wasn’t alright
That choice of mine has changed into the biggest crime of my life

But if you could only listen to my heavy & deep voice
Without holding painbody with the tightening grip of your vice
I never said it’s pretty easy & it’s gonna be nice
Believe me, it was the only one, my only right choice
I know you can’t see it through the lens of your naked eyes
I know you would take this all to a different level & otherwise
I know it was crazy tough but have you ever heard me deny?

But tell me….
Did you ever try to see once through my side?
Did you ever try to dig deep into my life?
Did you even notice the pain in my eyes?
Did you think my heart was cold jar full of ice? 
Did I ever say if my choice was wonderful & wise?
Did you know that it was hard for me too as if I were to die?

But sometimes things are above & beyond, it’s all about the sacrifice
I know it was a very tough time, but still I don’t regret that choice
And I can’t explain you anymore, what was going on with me inside
One soul had found a new form & other was about to compromise
Read My Beloved with open heart & your beautiful big blue eyes
Things seem so unclear & dark, especially in hard times
But it’s the darkness, which carries the spiritual ray of light
This is my truth, my love; I don’t tell you no lies

But honestly….
Yeah, honestly….
Honestly, it is mind boggling
Honestly, it is bothering
Honestly, you see it as my failure but it was my responsibility
Honestly, I’ve heard it again several times undoubtedly
Honestly, I feel as if you are using it now consciously
Honestly, these words of yours are bombing on me, calamity 
Honestly, you’re trying to give me guilt, I’m not able to find you in me
Honestly, life ain’t no time bomb, it doesn’t have to keep ticking constantly
Honestly, look deeper in dark ocean, there’re no waves but lots of life & mystery
And honestly….
Yeah, honestly….
Honestly, there was never dishonesty
Honestly, I’m standing right here, so come talk to me
Honestly, it’s time to move on & heal the inside of me in you
Honestly, just walk into me, profoundly

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© 2019 Navin’s Poetry. All rights reserved.

My Beloved

This poem is about my dearest father when he was admitted to hospital. His condition was deteriorating day by day. It was very tough to see him like this. He used to be so lively. I can never forget how weak, frustrated & depressed he became due to the illness. On top of that, I was living my trauma. Almost every single day / night, a patient’s soul was leaving the body. The screaming, the crying, followed by the scary silence. I was feeling insane, anxious & was panicking. My father’s condition improved a bit & he did come home but I knew it’s a matter of few months, before he would transform into the shining star. It’s never easy to see your loved one in this condition. Memories were running in my head. His body has become one with earth and his soul, with universe. My beloved father will always live in my heart.

I can never forget that face when you were on those crazy strong meds
It was one of the toughest phases of our lives, I can easily state
Your eyes were mostly closed, you were sickly weak & on bed rest
Words were hard for you to speak & write, you became so frustrated & depressed
Helpless you felt deep down, so hesitant in asking for some help
That look of yours back then & I would feel those sharp knives in my chest

I would sleep on the floor, just next to you
It wasn’t easy though when I could see suffering & pain in you
The first time when I heard the rush, the beeping sounds & the panic in the night, was past ten
Someone in the same ward had taken the very last breath
Can’t forget lots of crying, screaming & total silence in the end
It was so sad to know that someone had died, it was game over, the end
But then the rush, the beeps & the panic became the regulars in every way
I would hear all that over & over every other day
And then I started feeling heavy & insane in my head
It seemed as if someone was playing the same CD with deadly & mourning track
Anxiety started creeping in my head & panic was the next
I would close my eyes & ears, to avoid that moment by playing blind & deaf
To simply block my body & mind from that crazy scene of death
I wanted to scream out of my lungs & run out of my own head
Before panic could knock again on my very shaky deck

I can never forget that one night when I didn’t understand
What you were trying to say & what you were pointing at
It seemed you had pain in your stomach, you were awake even it’s too late
I went twice to the docs that night & asked for some help
They were so incompetent, sleepy & careless, they didn’t do a damn
Told me it seems a common issue of stomach ache & gas
They said, take it easy & sleep through the night full of pain
Told me things would be alright next day, but that wasn’t the case
You were still trying to tell me that you weren’t feeling well
I told you to take God’s name & try to take some rest
I was simply repeating like a parrot what docs had just said

The next morning you weren’t moving at all & I got very afraid
Everything came to stand still & it wasn’t just you, who had lost the breath
I called the docs in a blink for help & they reacted that very instant
I was standing in deep shock & was holding every inch of myself
After rush & sweat they said, the situation was kinda okay
It was U-retention & life in you was back on track again
That moment my eyes were full of tears, I was still in deep shock & scared
Thankful to God; but to me, I was furiously mad & full of hate
Was asking the family constantly, how I could do such a huge mistake
Why didn’t I understand the body language of my beloved dad?
How could I be so naive that I believed the docs blindly, when my dad was expressing in his own way?
He could’ve transformed from sick dad to a dead body on that sick bed of death
The family said it wasn’t my mistake but they did understand why I felt like that
I even complained to the main doc about those 2, but I never heard anything after that
To this day it’s embedded in me, how you felt back then & it still makes me so sad

Daddy did come home after some days & the whole family was very glad
But I knew that it’s all a matter of mere time in fact
His eyes weren’t glowing & he had lost his inner strength
Sadly after some time, he returned back to another bed of intensive care
This time I chose not to pass by coz I knew a thing very well
I wasn’t ready to see my dad in the same scene of crazy pain under the roof of panic & death
One day my phone rang with the news I already had sensed
It’s the day when daddy’s soul had left the body to leave the family & that sick bed
I flew back to see you my dad, to be with the family & to perform the rituals while you lay cold & dead
To take you to the last journey, where your sacred body was about to be formless & one with the four elements

It was heart breaking but spiritual to give your body fire with hands of my own
The day after we had to collect the burning hot ashes & remaining of your bones
It was there I realized daddy, that your body was actually forever gone
That truth was quite painful & brought sorrow, is not a mystery
But I was happy, that you were finally free from your miseries
The memories of you I cherish, you were the Leo, the loving & strong foundation of our beautiful nest
I love you & miss you, my caring – dearest father, you were the best
This is my way of releasing the suppressed pain in this heart space

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© 2019 Navin’s Poetry. All rights reserved.

A Kiss from The Devil

It’s my romance with the devil in the formless form of pain, panic & anxiety. I’m simply surrendering myself to this sensual devil, letting “her” bite me to make me bleed. I’m simply not afraid. On the contrary, I’m very much attracted as I’m really feeling the heat and therefore, the words are flowing in me, just like the blood on this tainted floor. Horror & romance can go side by side.

Whisper kiss of yours 
On my lips is crazy
You’re the devil
Sitting next to me
Covered in pure beauty
You’re so sharp & curvy
Curving the formless at me
Confronting the demons in me

Panic is summoned
Anxiety is entering
I’m now willing 
To kiss your evil
To breathe you in me
Your eyes are burning
Your hunger is thirsty
Your teeth are feasting

My flesh is beasted
The blood is streaming
It’s all so dirty
My neck is tainted
The floor is painted 
Your hold has tightened
But I’m not frightened
You are so enchanting 

The impression of yours
Tattooed on my neck
Deep pain is agony
I want you desperately
To pain me tremendously
To draw your devil on me
With the red ink I bleed
Ecstasy is creeping

Enlightened by your devil
Tormented from head to toe
Fragmented is my peace
This picture is so lively
But if you can’t sense it
Then it’s insanely deadly
I’m loving every moment
A kiss from the devil

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Sacred Connection

It’s a poem about my younger son, who’s been diagnosed with infantile autism. He’s full of energy & never afraid of anything the one moment. But the next, he’s vulnerable, insecure, having meltdowns. Sometimes it’s difficult for him to differentiate between reality & fiction. I see this all as a blessing in disguise as I’m learning so many things from the little zen master, who’s purely divine. My heart melts when I see him happy & sad; whatever his state of mind, he’s full of passion. I love him & connect with him all the way, even though it’s sometimes crazy tough to “handle” him & match his physical energy. No matter what, I’ll be there for him till my last breath.

It’s a story of this unique kind
Naked spirit & so divine
Full of energy, a playful type
A real handful at certain times
Not afraid of jumping from the skies
The sensitive soul in fluctuations & noise
Is the purest blessing in innocent disguise
Love the passion in the beautiful big eyes
Expresses the joy & pain in hyper ways

A new colorful day begins
Under the shining blue stars
The intense fire is burning
In deep space with black holes & scars
Striding towards big world in smaller shoes so cute
Mesmerized by depictions of fiction as if it’s all so true

Irresistible
Sensible are the two words in mind

Let me be, just let me be, are the heartfelt screams
Or perhaps standing all alone, sounds like a scary dream
Visuals are heavier, on that delicate little screen
Emotions are throwing curves, heart is simply streaming

Start now to connect the first alphabet of every single line
Sacred connection you’ll discover, it’s just not a simple rhyme

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My Mind

I’m simply unable to sleep. Anxiety has taken over and I’m taking a walkthrough into my own mind to show what’s going on up there. I’m taking off the protective shield to face the unknown. It’s my way of soul searching when I’m loosing my mind, to reconnect by hitting the reset in me.

Let me give you a ride
And take you inside to this site
To give you some insight
Into the arena of my simple mind

It’s been a while since I found sleep by my favorite side
It’s just this thing with me
Too many thoughts are nesting inside
Questioning me day & night, the meaning of life

I feel like detonating my thoughts
To simply blow up my own mind
To make some space during the sleepless nights
To change those formless kinds into this form of rhymes

My mind often wears no armor under the heavy clouds & deeper skies
Unlike that strong dark knight in old times
In those bloodthirsty fights
That used to fight & conquer the unknown for ego & pride

My mind phrases these words & scatter them on this dark page
Just like the shining stars sprinkled all over the dark space
The constellation of stars you see far far away
Is simply your point of view from your heart space

My mind is constantly digging deeper hole on my ground space
To reach this place where I truly belong in my inner space
Where a soul rebirths within the elements in the subspace
Where the unknown finally meets its ace, the card of spades

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