Experience – Page 7 – Navin's Poetry

Flashing Lights

Imagine this scene
It happens on one evening
I’m around 7 years
I’m feeling happy at the airport
And I’m with my elder sister, younger brother,
Parents and my uncle
My younger brother looks so happy
He’s not even 18 months old
He’s bearing that sweet smile
He’s walking around
An unknown guy gave him a rupee bill
He thought too this kid was cute
The kid’s smile & walk was simply so charming
And those curls would just add more cuteness
This kid is walking at the airport
Holding that rupee bill in his hand
While my eyes are fixed at him
But then he returns back to us
Without that bill in his hands
Perhaps he had lost it
Perhaps he gave it to someone
But it’s immaterial
This day seemed the happiest day
It’s my first time at the airport with family

But then a sudden shift in this scene
The next moment
The uncle is walking away with this cute kid
My li’l brother
I’m standing & thinking
What’s happening at this moment?
Why is my bro leaving?
Where are they going?
They walked away from us
I don’t see my brother & uncle anymore
They have disappeared all of a sudden
After a while, there’s pure silence
After some time, I see a plane on the runway
From the big airport windows
It’s speeding up & is about to take off
The plane’s lights are flashing
And it’s roaring just like when it thunders
My eyes are fixed at this plane
The flashing lights & that crazy loud noise
I’m fascinated but also confused
I can’t see how my sister is feeling
I can’t see how my parents are reacting
I’m blinded by that moment
Speechless in shock
I feel like running after that plane
To get my brother
But after a few seconds
The plane disappears in the sky
With my brother
All I see are the flashing lights
All I can hear is the roaring sky

Everything changes after that moment
I am in deep shock
But then I don’t remember anything
I simply can’t recall
But my family told me
After several years
I was very sad
I was crying a lot
I was angry
I was in shock
I was asking questions to my parents
I had lost my brother
But no one would tell me
The real reason
As if my parents had promised not to
All I heard for years
Were different stories
For many years
I didn’t know the real reason
Infact for decades, I wasn’t aware
But when the real story was told
I couldn’t believe it
But then I could figure out more
Started putting the pieces together
Started going back in time
By replaying the scenes
In my head
Whatever I remembered
Why things were happening
When they happened

Just imagine to be that big brother
Who looses the younger one
And doesn’t know anything more
For several years
Why he was taken away?
Just the stories
Lies
Till this day
And I’m 46 now
I still hear the stories
But I know the truth
I’m not even sharing
How the rest of the family felt
For several years
How they still feel about it

Can you feel my story?
Could your parents do the same?
To make a sacrifice this big?
To bring their own family
To a state of shock
To traumatize their own lives
Till their last breath
I hope not

I’m a father
I can’t even imagine
In my wildest imaginations
To give away one of my kids
For the sake of helping
Another family member
I don’t have that kind of courage
I can’t do that kind of sacrifice
I will never
It’ll break me into pieces
That very instant
Imagine how that kid would feel
At that time
Do you have the courage & compassion
To give away your own child?
I hope not

I feel my parents pain & suffering
So strongly
After I’ve become a parent myself
They never forgot that scene
And how could they?
They gave away their own kid
To help plant the seed of happiness
In return of sorrow & trauma

When I was about to leave
My motherland
The first thing I heard
From my mother was
Now he has taken
Another son as well
It is not true though
It was my own decision
No one forced me
But it showed me so clearly
Her trauma & pain
It was not hate
It wasn’t anger
It brought her back
To the moment
When she had to
Give away her son
Several years back
She felt so intensely
That it’s happening
To her once again
She couldn’t speak
For over an year
From the time
I left my motherland
Not more than “yes” & “no”
Or simply nodding
She was numb
She was reliving her shock

I used to tell her
Whenever I talked to her
Whenever I visited her
It was my own decision
No one has taken me
Away from you
No one can
But her reactions were
“Ok”
Or a simple nod
That’s it
She was apparently
At another place
In her mind & heart
Daddy used to be quiet
He won’t say
Such things to me
He was protecting me
And his own wife
But I saw the sadness
In his eyes
It was painful
To see those eyes
They said more than
His real words

I can still see in my head
That runway on that evening
Where the plane is about to take off
While I’m running desperately after it
But the plane simply took off
I couldn’t stop it
It’s dissecting
The chest of the sky
Those intense beats
Those flashing lights
It still feels like
Someone is about to
Cut open my chest…the roaring sky
With a sharp knife…the plane
The fire…the flashing lights
Is it my trauma…my pain?

But don’t misunderstand me
I’m not sharing
To get any sympathy
Don’t feel sorry
I’m not here to hate anyone
I don’t wish to put the blame either
No, I don’t claim anything
I don’t believe in claims
What did I bring with me
In this Universe
That I need to claim?
It’s the other way around
It’s the Universe
Who brought me here
Universe is full of Love
Universe is Love
Love is Universe

But I need this
I need to share this story
To let it go
From every single particle
Of my body
This is my scream
This is my cry
To release the pain
To bring an end
To those stories
To those lies
So I can breathe freely
So I can find peace
So I can restructure my pieces
So I can free the souls
From sorrow & trauma
When they lived
In the form of human bodies
That’s all

NAVIN’S POEMS © 2019

No Grudge

Original poetry

No, I haven’t been holding a grudge, you see
And hate is not at all in me
I don’t hide or carry the guns with me
It’s not about some revenge or claiming anything
All I wanted you to feel that untold & painful scene
Where greens weighed more than respect, love & the family links
That wasn’t fair, no it wasn’t to your youngest sibling
So here I am once again to clear the air that we breathe

First, you need to understand just a very simple thing
It was never about the glitters or the greens that you think
Fading Bonds was tough but I know, I did the right thing
But I could hear from the start, you didn’t get my writing
Coz recently, I had to hear about the death, the dowry & the spending
But I don’t need to bend things to tell this
It sounded more like a self defense than to sense things
It seemed as if I should be thankful for all those deeds
That happened back then when I wasn’t born, no I wasn’t even an offspring

You see, if you step on some feet deliberately
It would make the heart to pain & bleed eventually
When that feet belonged to the same herd in reality
I saw back then the eyes, that were cold & the dance, it was shocking
I felt the every bit as if those bonds were actually mocking
It was there I sensed family was just a word with no deep meaning
That scene is imprinted in me & I can play every moment from that reel
But I’m trying to erase it from the memory, to not feel what I felt for real

My verses were purely about that punishment versus dignity
All I had a simple question to answer with honesty
Why to humiliate & punish the youngest one among those 6 siblings?
It was about her suffering when your love was somewhere hiding
That’s the main scene, that’s all I was depicting
It was about sensing things than to sending greens
But the focus was on how it was back then
Where I could smell some sort of guilty feeling

Let me tell you another thing while I’m here & writing
Even her biggest sacrifice was framed into deranged tale, that I’ve been hearing
How come no one could see this since decades, what has been happening?
Twists & turns on a straight lane, perhaps the minds are leaning
Let it fade now, let go the Lies, the fake story telling

Closing eyes don’t make things to disappear with a blink
And keeping silence for years doesn’t make a human weak
You see, life is love in different forms & feels
That is what we all are in our true real beings
Love is all one needs to live & breathe
And greens look beautiful in different form of leaves
So let’s live from the deep & be that human, that very being
Finding peace amidst storms is my way to define things
Being real for real, it’s the ultimate spiritual bliss

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Blinking Ph(r)ase

Original poetry

Staring at the blinking cursor on this dark page
Feel the need to sprinkle brilliant dark dust from my scarred phrase
Even in darkness, I can see the reflection of my manic face
But it’s my perception, coz this is just a frantic phase

I can already feel the intensity
Tomorrow is going to bring the sensitivity
Things are going to change dramatically
The gravity has started shifting enormously
Feeling scared in the scarcity of the sacred serenity

Situations
Correlations
Aggression
Restlessness
Elevation
Desperation

These aren’t some random words, you might not understand the half of it
But if you connect them all, you would see S.C.A.R.E.D.
It’s already so real for me but I’m not ready to loose & forfeit
The demon of anxiety is dancing on the blood surface & giving me fits
And I can’t see & sense the ground under my burning cold feet

Nerves are controlling me from time to time
That’s what you’ve been reading in some of my ryhmes
Thoughts have started knocking the door of my mind
Asking me questions imprinted on my wrecked slides

Will I make it all the way or break in the middle?
Will I bear it till the end or sweat blood as I progress?
Will I be able to absorb it all or panic & become anxious?
Will I sense every moment or loose in a second my breath?

So many questions are shooting in my head
But I can’t find the answers, not just yet
So I decide to take the small steps to feel safe
To see the impressions on my path that I walk with respect

But then I sense my real senses
That bring me out of the situations in my verses
That has been throwing curves, a few of them reversing
It’s the real life scene with zero rehearsals

The grounding resets everything in an instant
Shows me the place where I intend to stay & stand
It reconnects me to the peace, where I don’t suffocate
And brings my pieces back to the real & true state
Where my form is formless & perfectly inaccurate
Where my situations vanish just like the ghost from this page
Where scared state changes into sacred space

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Honestly

Original poetry

It keeps coming back
Every now & then
You’ll never forget
It was so intense
Why I chose that
When you birthed the offspring
I know exactly how you felt
Coz you still feel the same

I knew back then quite well
What’s going to happen
You see, my zodiac sign is Libra
The one with the balance
But I can’t always balance everything
And I don’t intend
But one thing I knew for sure
It was so certain
And I was already preparing myself
I don’t pretend
No matter what I was going to choose
It’s about to happen
That moment would draw me closer to my hell
It was destined

You had just given birth
And you needed me very much
But then……
I shocked you
I saddened you
I ignited you
I agitated you
I perplexed you
I pained you
I drained you
I deranged you
I rejected you
I abandoned you
I betrayed you
I hurt you
I left you
I simply left our 4 days old baby
All alone with you

Yeah, it sounds harsh & sad, ain’t no sitcom
And why it should not when it was
It’s all real, not just the inner war
I was that devil, who drew at you his heavy sword
But it wasn’t about one part, you see that’s only a half
The other half was bleeding as well coz it’s full of scars
But now it’s time to melt everything down to ground & extrude the purest form

I can see, it still brings you back to that old scene
Where I turned into that man, who seemed so mean
Yeah, I’ve heard it now several times
That way back I had a(nother) choice
You told me what others have said, what I chose wasn’t alright
That choice of mine has changed into the biggest crime of my life

But if you could only listen to my heavy & deep voice
Without holding painbody with the tightening grip of your vice
I never said it’s pretty easy & it’s gonna be nice
Believe me, it was the only one, my only right choice
I know you can’t see it through the lens of your naked eyes
I know you would take this all to a different level & otherwise
I know it was crazy tough but have you ever heard me deny?

But tell me….
Did you ever try to see once through my side?
Did you ever try to dig deep into my life?
Did you even notice the pain in my eyes?
Did you think my heart was cold jar full of ice?
Did I ever say if my choice was wonderful & wise?
Did you know that it was hard for me too as if I were to die?

But sometimes things are above & beyond, it’s all about the sacrifice
I know it was a very tough time, but still I don’t regret that choice
And I can’t explain you anymore, what was going on with me inside
One soul had found a new form & other was about to compromise
Read My Beloved with open heart & your beautiful big blue eyes
Things seem so unclear & dark, especially in hard times
But it’s the darkness, which carries the spiritual ray of light
This is my truth, my love; I don’t tell you no lies

But honestly….
Yeah, honestly….
Honestly, it is mind boggling
Honestly, it is bothering
Honestly, you see it as my failure but it was my responsibility
Honestly, I’ve heard it again several times undoubtedly
Honestly, I feel as if you are using it now consciously
Honestly, these words of yours are bombing on me, calamity
Honestly, you’re trying to give me guilt, I’m not able to find you in me
Honestly, life ain’t no time bomb, it doesn’t have to keep ticking constantly
Honestly, look deeper in dark ocean, there’re no waves but lots of life & mystery
And honestly….
Yeah, honestly….
Honestly, there was never dishonesty
Honestly, I’m standing right here, so come talk to me
Honestly, it’s time to move on & heal the inside of me in you
Honestly, just walk into me, profoundly

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My Beloved

Original poetry

I can never forget that face when you were on those crazy strong meds
It was one of the toughest phases of our lives, I can easily state
Your eyes were mostly closed, you were sickly weak & on bed rest
Words were hard for you to speak & write, you became so frustrated & depressed
Helpless you felt deep down, so hesitant in asking for some help
That look of yours back then & I would feel those sharp knives in my chest

I would sleep on the floor, just next to you
It wasn’t easy though when I could see suffering & pain in you
The first time when I heard the rush, the beeping sounds & the panic in the night, was past ten
Someone in the same ward had taken the very last breath
Can’t forget lots of crying, screaming & total silence in the end
It was so sad to know that someone had died, it was game over, the end
But then the rush, the beeps & the panic became the regulars in every way
I would hear all that over & over every other day
And then I started feeling heavy & insane in my head
It seemed as if someone was playing the same CD with deadly & mourning track
Anxiety started creeping in my head & panic was the next
I would close my eyes & ears, to avoid that moment by playing blind & deaf
To simply block my body & mind from that crazy scene of death
I wanted to scream out of my lungs & run out of my own head
Before panic could knock again on my very shaky deck

I can never forget that one night when I didn’t understand
What you were trying to say & what you were pointing at
It seemed you had pain in your stomach, you were awake even it’s too late
I went twice to the docs that night & asked for some help
They were so incompetent, sleepy & careless, they didn’t do a damn
Told me it seems a common issue of stomach ache & gas
They said, take it easy & sleep through the night full of pain
Told me things would be alright next day, but that wasn’t the case
You were still trying to tell me that you weren’t feeling well
I told you to take God’s name & try to take some rest
I was simply repeating like a parrot what docs had just said

The next morning you weren’t moving at all & I got very afraid
Everything came to stand still & it wasn’t just you, who had lost the breath
I called the docs in a blink for help & they reacted that very instant
I was standing in deep shock & was holding every inch of myself
After rush & sweat they said, the situation was kinda okay
It was U-retention & life in you was back on track again
That moment my eyes were full of tears, I was still in deep shock & scared
Thankful to God; but to me, I was furiously mad & full of hate
Was asking the family constantly, how I could do such a huge mistake
Why didn’t I understand the body language of my beloved dad?
How could I be so naive that I believed the docs blindly, when my dad was expressing in his own way?
He could’ve transformed from sick dad to a dead body on that sick bed of death
The family said it wasn’t my mistake but they did understand why I felt like that
I even complained to the main doc about those 2, but I never heard anything after that
To this day it’s embedded in me, how you felt back then & it still makes me so sad

Daddy did come home after some days & the whole family was very glad
But I knew that it’s all a matter of mere time in fact
His eyes weren’t glowing & he had lost his inner strength
Sadly after some time, he returned back to another bed of intensive care
This time I chose not to pass by coz I knew a thing very well
I wasn’t ready to see my dad in the same scene of crazy pain under the roof of panic & death
One day my phone rang with the news I already had sensed
It’s the day when daddy’s soul had left the body to leave the family & that sick bed
I flew back to see you my dad, to be with the family & to perform the rituals while you lay cold & dead
To take you to the last journey, where your sacred body was about to be formless & one with the four elements

It was heart breaking but spiritual to give your body fire with hands of my own
The day after we had to collect the burning hot ashes & remaining of your bones
It was there I realized daddy, that your body was actually forever gone
That truth was quite painful & brought sorrow, is not a mystery
But I was happy, that you were finally free from your miseries
The memories of you I cherish, you were the Leo, the loving & strong foundation of our beautiful nest
I love you & miss you, my caring – dearest father, you were the best
This is my way of releasing the suppressed pain in this heart space

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Sacred Connection

Original poetry

It’s a story of this unique kind
Naked spirit & so divine
Full of energy, a playful type
A real handful at certain times
Not afraid of jumping from the skies
The sensitive soul in fluctuations & noise
Is the purest blessing in innocent disguise
Love the passion in the beautiful big eyes
Expresses the joy & pain in hyper ways

A new colorful day begins
Under the shining blue stars
The intense fire is burning
In deep space with black holes & scars
Striding towards big world in smaller shoes so cute
Mesmerized by depictions of fiction as if it’s all so true

Irresistible
Sensible are the two words in mind

Let me be, just let me be, are the heartfelt screams
Or perhaps standing all alone, sounds like a scary dream
Visuals are heavier, on that delicate little screen
Emotions are throwing curves, heart is simply streaming

Start now to connect the first alphabet of every single line
Sacred connection you’ll discover, it’s just not a simple rhyme

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My Poetry

Original poetry

If the things were only up to me
And my vault were stashed with greenery
I would exit the world of perfect geometry
To enter the universe with heart fueled poetry

I’m in love with scribbling the meaningful themes
It’s my way of expressing how I truly feel
The lyrics synchronize with frequency of my heartbeat
The percussion & vibration of the immaculate beast

Now let me stitch the pieces a bit differently
Just stay for a while, hear another thing from me
The words in my verses are no curse if you read explicitly
I don’t shoot at the painbody with explosive trajectory

I simply bring up the matters which have been hiding inside me
To share those stories with the same original intensity
That I felt back then as it was my reality
You see, this is my healing process & my therapy

I know it’s kinda provocative the way I project my themes
It’s not gloomy to throw light on the darker scenes
It doesn’t matter what you think of it & how you think of me
The darkness is, so light can be

My rhymes are self realization & experiences with deeper meaning
It’s my way to explore the core, the burning fire; the formless being
This is how I see the things now & it’s meant to be
You see, poetry is the flow in me & it’s the heart I breathe