Month: October 2019

Imagine this scene
It happens on one evening 
I’m around 7 years
I’m feeling happy at the airport
And I’m with my elder sister, younger brother, 
Parents and my uncle 
My younger brother looks so happy
He’s not even 18 months old
He’s bearing that sweet smile
He’s walking around
An unknown guy gave him a rupee bill
He thought too this kid was cute 
The kid’s smile & walk was simply so charming
And those curls would just add more cuteness
This kid is walking at the airport 
Holding that rupee bill in his hand
While my eyes are fixed at him
But then he returns back to us
Without that bill in his hands
Perhaps he had lost it
Perhaps he gave it to someone
But it’s immaterial
This day seemed the happiest day
It’s my first time at the airport with family

But then a sudden shift in this scene
The next moment 
The uncle is walking away with this cute kid
My li’l brother
I’m standing & thinking 
What’s happening at this moment? 
Why is my bro leaving?
Where are they going?
They walked away from us
I don’t see my brother & uncle anymore
They have disappeared all of a sudden
After a while, there’s pure silence
After some time, I see a plane on the runway
From the big airport windows
It’s speeding up & is about to take off
The plane’s lights are flashing 
And it’s roaring just like when it thunders
My eyes are fixed at this plane
The flashing lights & that crazy loud noise
I’m fascinated but also confused
I can’t see how my sister is feeling 
I can’t see how my parents are reacting
I’m blinded by that moment 
Speechless in shock
I feel like running after that plane 
To get my brother 
But after a few seconds 
The plane disappears in the sky 
With my brother 
All I see are the flashing lights
All I can hear is the roaring sky

Everything changes after that moment 
I am in deep shock
But then I don’t remember anything
I simply can’t recall 
But my family told me
After several years
I was very sad
I was crying a lot
I was angry 
I was in shock
I was asking questions to my parents 
I had lost my brother 
But no one would tell me 
The real reason
As if my parents had promised not to
All I heard for years 
Were different stories
For many years 
I didn’t know the real reason 
Infact for decades, I wasn’t aware
But when the real story was told
I couldn’t believe it
But then I could figure out more
Started putting the pieces together
Started going back in time
By replaying the scenes
In my head
Whatever I remembered
Why things were happening 
When they happened 

Just imagine to be that big brother 
Who looses the younger one 
And doesn’t know anything more
For several years
Why he was taken away?
Just the stories
Lies
Till this day
And I’m 46 now
I still hear the stories
But I know the truth 
I’m not even sharing
How the rest of the family felt
For several years
How they still feel about it

Can you feel my story?
Could your parents do the same?
To make a sacrifice this big?
To bring their own family 
To a state of shock
To traumatize their own lives 
Till their last breath
I hope not

I’m a father
I can’t even imagine 
In my wildest imaginations 
To give away one of my kids 
For the sake of helping
Another family member
I don’t have that kind of courage
I can’t do that kind of sacrifice
I will never
It’ll break me into pieces
That very instant
Imagine how that kid would feel
At that time
Do you have the courage & compassion
To give away your own child?
I hope not

I feel my parents pain & suffering 
So strongly 
After I’ve become a parent myself 
They never forgot that scene
And how could they?
They gave away their own kid
To help plant the seed of happiness 
In return of sorrow & trauma

When I was about to leave 
My motherland
The first thing I heard 
From my mother was
Now he has taken 
Another son as well
It is not true though
It was my own decision
No one forced me
But it showed me so clearly 
Her trauma & pain
It was not hate
It wasn’t anger
It brought her back
To the moment 
When she had to 
Give away her son 
Several years back
She felt so intensely
That it’s happening 
To her once again
She couldn’t speak 
For over an year 
From the time 
I left my motherland
Not more than “yes” & “no”
Or simply nodding
She was numb
She was reliving her shock

I used to tell her
Whenever I talked to her
Whenever I visited her
It was my own decision 
No one has taken me 
Away from you
No one can
But her reactions were
“Ok”
Or a simple nod
That’s it
She was apparently 
At another place 
In her mind & heart
Daddy used to be quiet
He won’t say 
Such things to me
He was protecting me 
And his own wife
But I saw the sadness 
In his eyes
It was painful 
To see those eyes
They said more than 
His real words

I can still see in my head 
That runway on that evening
Where the plane is about to take off
While I’m running desperately after it
But the plane simply took off 
I couldn’t stop it
It’s dissecting 
The chest of the sky 
Those intense beats 
Those flashing lights
It still feels like 
Someone is about to
Cut open my chest…the roaring sky 
With a sharp knife…the plane
The fire…the flashing lights
Is it my trauma…my pain?

But don’t misunderstand me
I’m not sharing 
To get any sympathy
Don’t feel sorry
I’m not here to hate anyone
I don’t wish to put the blame either
No, I don’t claim anything
I don’t believe in claims
What did I bring with me 
In this Universe
That I need to claim?
It’s the other way around
It’s the Universe 
Who brought me here
Universe is full of Love
Universe is Love
Love is Universe

But I need this 
I need to share this story
To let it go
From every single particle 
Of my body
This is my scream
This is my cry
To release the pain 
To bring an end 
To those stories  
To those lies
So I can breathe freely
So I can find peace
So I can restructure my pieces
So I can free the souls
From sorrow & trauma 
When they lived 
In the form of human bodies
That’s all 

NAVIN’S POEMS © 2019