Firing Shots

Another not feel good poem because that’s my present state of mind. I can’t drink alcohol due to epilepsy, which is perhaps a good thing. I want to simply forget everything by being drunk, even though it’s running away. Don’t we sometimes need to run from ourselves?

I’m firing shots at my brain
Planning to play the refrain
The need to repeat to regain
The need to change the savage to a sage
The need to restrain the rage from my brain
To stop my mind to be insane
Coz I don’t want to end up on the operative scene

The sudden desire to find some strong alcohol
To drink & dance away the pain on some new melodies & some old
To kill the kill spot from the top zone
To block the worry from the contacts to make it unknown
To loose myself completely by being not so cold
It’s dragging me down to this deep & dark hole
But it’s not possible to drink coz I’m stuck with taking this crazy epilepsy dose

The thoughts I need to picture
The theme I sketch, looks like a clipart
The things I tell myself to make it visual
I need to make biggger changes to redesign & to restructure
I need to heal the inner space to build this stable fixture
I might burn a bit of me from the sparks through friction
But I must do it anyway, coz life ain’t no fiction

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A poem.. Sadness

I know it’s a phase I’m going through. Writing poem is my way of venting out, to let the things out of my system. It’s my own therapy.

My days have started becoming so gloomy
The inside of me is shadowed by dark clouds & it’s raining
The picture I see these days from my window is so blurry
The scenes that were normal once look so tainted & obscene
The steps I’m taking in the present have become so heavy

The feeling of being messed up & broken is strong
Whatever I do seems very wrong
The way I talk & tackle things as if I’m about to break & shout
Peace in my head is so distant, seems like a long shot
My brain is crazier than ever & is stressed out
Blood is dripping from my numb finger & I don’t feel the cut from the knife so sharp

I’m getting better but am simply so annoyed
The chemicals my brain then creates & deploys
They kill me inside out & then I appear so void
The pain body that I’ve been trying to avoid
The harder I try, the faster I fall without even flying
The glass shatters into several pieces with that clinking sound crying

Isolated myself willingly, coz people around me get affected but now I feel left alone
Sadness is crawling on my surface & choking gently my throat
Suffocating me slowly & I’m feeling quite sore
The tears from my heart are simply tearing me apart

I’m loosing my senses coz I want to go back to normal & go back to my job
I ain’t ready yet but I don’t know either when I’d really start
Perhaps it’s just another day, where I’m falling & tasting the dust
I keep telling myself, nothing is permanent & this difficult time will also pass
I must remain focused every moment, else the anxiety & sadness will rust me down
I know God has given me this opportunity to heal, it’s the biggest wake up call
So why to waste such a golden chance, when I can finally correct the default

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A Poem: Unstable Thoughts

I’m feeling very unstable & frustrated with constant mood shifts. I’m unable to deal with anything. Attacks of anger, panic, anxiety, which lead to constant snapping. But I do know deep down it’s a phase, though it’s not easy to deal with my angry face.

So hear me out
What I’m about to jot
Aren’t just my random thoughts
This is what I experience coz
I’m sometimes simply so stressed out

It’s not so simple to deal
When I change myself into the beast
Who’s feasting on other’s meat
The blood on the floor that I spill
But then I wipe the floors out to crystal clear
To hide the pain & suffering to unreal

Whenever I open my big mouth
And say a few things a bit loud
The misunderstandings I then create without a doubt
Coz I loose my mind so fast & then I freak out
No patience in me, so I can’t breathe the air out
So I spit fire on others to burn myself down

The desire to kick something to take my frustration out
I loose then my reins to control & then I explode with that deep sound
To burn everything into ashes with my fiery spark
And cover the clear sky with the thick fog

I know this isn’t my real face, it’ll be phased out
It’s been real tough times, so I’m simply stressed out
This all is sitting in me deep, so I want to isolate from this thick crowd
But I’ll be back & find the balance with time on my unstable ground

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Healing Soul

I’m snapping on my family quite often. So many misunderstandings, my ego is coming in my way – thinking of myself only. I’ve started isolating myself more often, when in reality it wasn’t about giving space. My wife wanted me to be there for her & for the family, which I didn’t understand as I was so much soaked in my own self.

Thoughts were racing in my head
Surrounded by misunderstandings coz I was so afraid
The pain looked like that cool piercing in my brow
Snapping on near & dear ones with that insane flow
Loosing my head as if I were about to sink & permanently drown
Blinded by ego & emotions as if I were that king wearing the diamond crown

I thought I was giving space, so people could cope up with their issues
But I was crushing them into pieces, to make place for my deep tissues
How could I be so self-centered by being eccentric?
How could I be so cool & calm by being frantic?
At times my top shelf was crumbling to cheap dust
My demons were shutting me down with deep cuts
I was trying to run away from myself on a paper-thin crust

I was living half alive, blinded by this all
But now, I’m listening to your enchanting melodies, the sweet songs
I’m learning to rise to my feet when I fail & fall
You’re healing me spiritually, you’re healing the sores
I’m spreading my wings slowly to raise my spirits to soar
You live in me, you live in my core
I’m so close to you coz you’re my soul

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02202020 at Midnight

Dedicating this poem, which I wrote last night, to an anonymous blogger, a crazy flowic poet, a beautiful person, a being, who couldn’t handle life anymore. Even though she tried her best, but in the end, she was planning to let it go, which is quite saddening. That was quite visible from her writings. I’ll miss her a lot if she’s gone. Perhaps, she’s got her peace, which she always desired & struggled for. However, I still hope, I’m absolutely wrong about it. Perhaps she’ll read my poem & would write her comment. That’s what we used to do quite a lot. Peace & Love.

Oh my dear flowic friend
I know you had decided to switch off, to put an end
World didn’t understand you
Pain & sorrow was presented to you
Even your own family abondoned you
I wish if I could make you change your mind
But I do respect your tough choice
Coz people did play with your precious life
Manipulated for their own good
Then they blamed you, that you were a crazy fool

Midnight at your place is nearing you
Terrifying me when it falls, comes close to you
The steps you would take then
Will transform you into this light angel with wings
The angel I saw in you through your writings
The angel I sensed in your personality
The angel you’ll become now
Where you’ll be able to fly high & beyond
I know you’ll leave the pain body of yours
To find the peace that you deserved, it’ll be now yours

I loved you as my flowic friend, my dear Rose
I was blessed to “see” you through your poems & prose
You’ve always been a radiant light with a sacred glow
I still check & follow your blog
But not a single new writing from you or a thought
Perhaps you’re reading your verses to the God
Perhaps you’re still alive & are laughing on my thoughts
All I want to say is that your memories will permanently remain in my heart

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Colour Red

I’m simply looking at my situation and relating to it with colour red (blood), shaky ground, broken clouds with roaring sound. Even though everything is so intense, I do feel the touch of a healing hand.

I’m standing on my ground
Looking up towards the sky & the clouds
I hear then a roaring sound
The lightning hits & shakes my ground

The sky is crying rain over my head
I feel the droplets of rain hitting on myself
But then I notice my ground is muddy with different appearance
My whole body & ground has turned into bloody red

I turn again my head towards the sky
The passing clouds seem so heavy & bleeding with thick red
The sky looks so different in this bloody shade
Just like this bleeding in my crazy head

Everything has turned into this color red
But then I feel a healing hand on my head
It’s touching my wounds with love & care
I can visualize & sense the healing effect on myself

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A poem: BE Present

There’s a huge quarrel between my wife & myself, where we both said mean things to each other, which we really don’t mean. When you are in that zone, you spit fire with crazy flow. I don’t blame her at all, as I’m not an easy man to live with. This critical sickness of brain hemorrhage with epilepsy amplifies everything in my head to the crazy levels. She is not feeling even close to well because of this rollercoaster rides & my snapping. We stopped talking due to this quarrel for a day. So I wrote this poem as my way of conveying my message.

I’ve been told several times now
I don’t get why I don’t see you but myself
I don’t get how you feel
I don’t get what you’re going through
I don’t get what’s happening to you
I don’t get what I’m doing to you
I don’t get why you wanna run away
I don’t get why I don’t care about you
I don’t get you need space
In short, I don’t get the whys, the whats & the hows
Are the shots, you’ve been firing at me while I stand on my shaky ground

All I want is peace of mind for you & me
Where we talk to each other with no screaming
So listen to me clearly what I’ve in my heart all this time
Coz I’m about to tell you directly & there will be no lies
Look in my eyes & see that I see you
Look in my heart & feel that I love you
Look in my mind & read that I’m not doing anything intentionally to you
Look inside of me & search that I know what you’re going through
Look deep inside of yourself & explore that peace exists
Look deeper in your eyes & see that things aren’t impossible
Look at the light you are, than to focus on your shadow reflection
But first you must have faith & trust
Else every single moment would crush you just like that thin & sensitive crust

I do get it quite well, that back then you got a big shock
But bleeding & being admitted had been neither some pretty walk
Keep talking about the shock would haunt you like a ghost
I do give you time & space, but you’ve been fading away & being distant
Every single day is a struggle for you, coz you’re on mission-tension constant
Sometimes you’re too hard on yourself & I can’t comprehend that picture
It’s tough to handle days like those, when I can’t even hold a thin frame with a picture
I do admit, that I freak out sometimes & then you call me immature

The highs & lows will always come & go
But this life needs to have that feel free flow
Listen to B(ernie) & listen to E(ckhart)
They combinely make the profound word BE(ing)
Everything happens for a reason & that’s why it has happened
Accepting the situation & working from there will dissolve the loose ends
Life is on constant move just like galaxies you see
So why to get stuck in the moment that has been?
Let’s be present in the present
And live this life in this beautiful universe’s presence

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A Poem: Longing

Every day brings me to something different. I am writing this new poem very late at night. The words are flowing in me all of a sudden & I am not stopping them. I’m simply longing crazily & living those lines as if it’s my reality.

Picturing you laying by my side
While we hold each other so tight
The smell of your hair & skin
Draws me even closer to you with a blink
The tender touch on your pretty face
Makes you smile with that haiz
The deep ocean in your beautiful eyes
The sacred connection of our beating hearts
The souls are doing most of the talk
But I know your voice is sweet & warm
The bodies start burning immensely hot
When I press my lips against the soft lips of yours
The sensual feeling to move & dance
When you put me into the loving trance
The way you breathe in that very moment
Truly spiritual at a deeper level
You lay your head gently on my chest
And we drift away in the mysterious mist
The universe stands still in total awe
When our bodies melt together into one
You are so close to me in sense perception
And yet so far away from a different dimension
The longing to be with you is just not some crazy dream
If I cut open my chest, you’ll see how I bleed without a scream
You’re a blessing with a formless form
That I cherish from dusk til dawn

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Speculations

It’s like having the recipe of inner peace but difficult to master it. Questioning myself the “what ifs” as I’m quite anxious, restless & feeling inner pain. I’m simply accepting what I’m feeling but at the same time, focusing on my breathing to evaporate my speculations.

What if I could talk & walk without loosing my balance?
What if I could feel my left arm without the weird sensation?
What if I didn’t loose & break things every now & then?
What if I could remember the things without hammering my brain?
What if I had the strength most of the day without getting tired?
What if I could this & that without snapping with fire?

I know it’s the baby steps that I must take
Breathe in, let go of a few things, for my own sake
But I’m a human being & I do feel sometimes very sick
I wish to swim in deep waters & not to sink
The mind, body & soul if I could really sync
The joyful melodies if I could mostly write & then sing
All I feel is to throw that fireball straight before it starts to swing

Wings I’m missing to fly
Rings I’m dropping in ocean
Pins I’m feeling in head
Anxiety I’m writing to show
Chains I’m tightening to exhale
Pain I’m sensing in hearts
Links I’m tying to connect
Love I’m expressing to soul

But beasts are hitting the beats
The desire to prey on me & eat
My surface is beaded & is ready to bleed
But all I need is to close my eyes & breathe
To reach the deepest of the deep
To find the peace inside of me
To sit on top of the snowy mountain in bare skin with ease
To simply evaporate my speculations by spiritual means

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Dark Skies

I feel broken, sad & I’m experiencing the pinching sensation in my brain. Not everything is the way I pictured & I’m now living with a broken heart. However, I’m still trying to learn; to see the light in this different form, covered with darkness.

Bright sunlight is falling upon my face
But dark skies have started covering my scarred phase
Trying to let it go from the mind, the top space
But heart is replaying the beat from that soulful place

Pain is what I feel
Sadness is what I’m surrounded with
My chest feels so heavy
Arrows in my body
That pinching sensation in my brain
Bathing in my blood
But the inside is even bloodier

Look deeper in the eyes
Eyes can never lie
No matter how hard they try to hide
The perception of the whole story
Perhaps this is also the way to heal

I knew the consequences
I knew there was these terms
So how can I complain?
Though heart is broken & bleeding
Blessing has different ways & forms
Shutting my eyes off
To clear the darker skies
From the light of that spiritual form

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