Painting this Picture

I’m visualizing every line of this poem as this is what I’m feeling. The lines are flowing in me; this poem is occurring to me. It’s my spiritual way of dealing & healing myself.

Tear my eyes to ocean
Tear my body into pieces
Break open the dark skies
Break me into phases
Paint my face in thick red
Paint my phrase to crazy
Pain me till I feel the edges
Pain me to find the inner space
Falling from top of the hill
Falling to reach my grounding
Diving to kill the killzone
Diving to meet the unknown
Dying to repair the top shelf
Dying to reborn my whole self

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Thoughts in my Head

I was taking shower while I was asking these questions to myself. I was trying to understand what was going on. I was feeling anxious, crazy & was panicking. Doctors told my wife & me that I could’ve died when I got bleeding in bleeding. I was simply freaking out, picturing the worst pictures. Then I started taking deep breaths to come out of my head, to simply reconnect.

The pricking sensation in my damaged head
The lost feeling in my left arm & hand

Questioning myself while showering under the tap
How long do I have to take the heavy epilepsy tabs?
How long will it take me to regain my balance & strength?
Would I get my sensation completely back?
Would my brain reroute the signals to reconnect?

All these thoughts are making me crazy & insane
Feel like screaming so loud that the window might get some cracks
Someone please seal my lips so tight with that sticky black tape
These thoughts are stabbing me deeply & my clotted-sickened brain
It feels like the range of patience has changed to that little picture in the frame

I still get shocked that I could’ve ended up on my deathbed
My condition was so bad that I could’ve left my family & this nest
So I’m trying to calm myself down but it’s not always in my hands
When such thoughts take over me, I become the victim of my own psycho head

I can feel that my memory has simply weakend as well
On a Monday I said to someone, have a very good weekend
I know it’s normal after the bleeding in the corner of my head
But it still annoys me, what’s happening, I ain’t a thick head

Therapies are helping me extensively to repair my body & to fix my head
Closing my eyes for a while after daily exercises & taking some deep breaths
Thoughts disappear instantly & I regain my inner strength
Start moving towards the stars without looking back at my tracks
I must close my eyes more often to find inner peace & to come out of my head

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A Poem: Bittersweetness

A different kind of poem I’m writing. If you read it closely, you’ll find many different levels. It unwraps gradually as you read it slowly. Bitter does not necessarily mean bad, whether it’s chocolate or a person. One needs to understand the texture, proportions and the process.

Some people like the taste of
Bittersweet chocolate and
Some give it just a try coz
The problem is that
Sweet taste disappears so fast & then
Bitter hits the tongue to
Give the sensation of darkness but
You feel like eating some
More bittersweet chocolate to
Get the sweetness back again before
The bitter hits you once more but
This time the difference is that
The bitterness lasts longer so
Either you’ll get addicted to the taste or
It would be hard to enjoy with the slow pace
I’m that bittersweet chocolate entering in your deep space so
Slide me in and
Bite me into small pieces to
Get that raw taste or
Use your soft hands to
Unwrap the silver foil and
Break me into pieces to
Put me in your lukewarm bowl where
You stir & melt me gently where
We melt & freeze slowly to
Make new shape & forms but
If you can’t decide that
You would like the taste coz
It’s difficult for you to
Try something less sweet then
Simply wrap me back and
Hide me somewhere in your space coz
You aren’t ready to handle
The real & raw flavours of
Pure joy & sweet pain well
Perhaps another time but
You must always remember that
You are holding just a portion of this bar and
Not sitting in some darkened space and
Holding the bars of a cage coz
One thing about me will never change that
I’ll always remain the bittersweet chocolate with
A slightly edgy taste that
Depends on the chemistry between
You & me and
How I was actually made

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Many Frustrations & Manifestation

Brain hemorrhage has given me epilepsy as well, which results in taking heavy pills, which drains most of my energy. I’m feeling crazy & heavy in my head. Although I believe this has a deeper meaning. Therefore, I’m trying to look beyond the pain body. Writing poems is quite therapeutic & it’s bringing me back to my real track.

It’s like writing with my own hands my own crazy journal
Feeling as if the ink is becoming thicker & so infernal
Adding one extra sickness due to this sickening kernel
Loosing sometimes my mind, though the soul is eternal

Brain hemorrhage has been raised with epilepsy in this game of revelation
The medicine I take, is quite heavy in the current prescription
The feeling that I’m doped, isn’t some mindless imagination
My head is heavier with these crazy thoughts due to shear frustration

Shaken & shocked to the core after this new information
I didn’t realize till now, I could’ve been ashes, my true confession
I thought back then, all I needed was a few weeks of rehabilitation
This all is dragging me down to new levels of irritation

But I’m still dedicated to move in the true direction
Motivated to walk in my shoes & balance my imperfect feet to perfection
Ready to work harder to get back the grip & sensation
Steering wheels through this difficult bumpy ride to reach my stable station

It’s all about healing in real time without maximum acceleration
Perhaps this all has a deeper meaning, it’s beyond sense perception
It’s to heal the unhealed body & soul with therapies, mindfulness & meditation
A new chance to reignite my life, the beginning of my own manifestation

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Unhide

I would rather show how I feel than to simply wear a mask, which projects what others want to see. It’s ok to be vulnerable, to show the other sensitive sides than to pretend everything is simply fine. I believe in real & deeper heart connection & I’m not scared to show who I am, although it took me a very long time as I used to be the pleaser – would suppress my feelings & would only focus others.

I could wear a fake smile & fit into the crowd
To hide my real face
But I’d rather keep it real
To show who I really am
That I express openly
Through my poetic phrases

I do write about my life
That has several shades & phases
Coz I don’t see any point in hiding one side
That subsides the whole face
It’s simply sublime to shine on the shrine
Of the true divine in real space

The true beauty doesn’t lies in the make up & disguise
Sometimes it’s living in self denial or to simply please & satisfy
Where everything appears so happy & nice from just a single mile
It took me a while to come closer to the other side
Which wasn’t created by this crazy & manipulative mind
I might share sometimes my vulnerable sides but it’s the strength that I really fire

So if you look deeper into your eyes
They show the reflection of your beautiful heart, the being you are
It’s the imperfect mind & self, which have a bunch of scars
But it still doesn’t matters at all if you honestly ask
A real connection with you is the connection with your heart
That’s what it takes to make you feel aww

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Happy B’day My Dearest Wife

This poem is dedicated to my wife on her b’day, expressing how I feel and how she’s been supporting me & being there for the whole family in difficult times.

  1. You are that golden & intense sunshine
  2. Who lighten up my darkened shades & gloomy signs
  3. Even though we’re going through very difficult times
  4. It’s you, who has kept me & the family alive
  5. You’re the beautiful being with the sense of the sublime
  6. The heart of yours is pure & divine
  7. The emotions flow in you as the waves – sinusoid
  8. I’m deeply thankful that you’re in my life
  9. I know, I don’t always show it & sometimes I make you cry
  10. But you must know that I love you very high, you’re the magical kind
  11. Jan – A Very Happy B’day from our beautiful kids & me – my dearest & beautiful wife

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Snapping

Obviously, a lot is going on in my head these days & that’s why I’m spitting poems quite often. Snapping on people, mood swings, insecurity, frustration, imbalance, heavy epilepsy medicines, no heart connection are playing quite an important role.

I can feel something has changed in me
And it’s just not me who share this opinion about me
Coz I can see that it doesn’t take a lot before I loose control of my scene

If the things aren’t the way I like, then I get very upset & very mean
Then the moments begin where I start nagging & complaining about immaterial things
It’s just right there, I make it worse by snapping over family

Nothing matters to me at that point coz I can’t figure things out
Sometimes I don’t even know what I did wrong & why it’s my fault
Sometimes I wonder why so much smoke coming out from the wooden log
They just look at me in despair & are ready to sob
All I need is my space but the whole space is blinded by this thick fog

So tell me how I can rationalize
If I don’t know I’m about to jeopardize
The relationship & family lives
I’m not that scary monster, ready to eat everyone alive

It pains me to see them suffer
But then why have I become so blunt & why can’t I shut up?
Why can’t I simply use heart as the filter?
To let go of the things which can’t be used as the filler

So I need me to help me out
To find & then sort the things out
To scream in my own ears so loud
To find clear skies behind the darker clouds
All I need is to breathe the air in & then breathe it out

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Pills, Pieces & Peace

I am going crazy in my mind, tired in my body & loosing energy. Pain in my body, unable to sleep & epilepsy is making me to take quite heavy cocktail of pills – medication.

Taking the strong epilepsy pills twice a day since I’ve got the cramps
Every night painkiller & anti histamin join this insane party of flashy pills
Feeling doped but I still can’t sleep or get rid of the body pain
Hoping this all will soon end coz I don’t want to be pills’ dependent

Pills are keeping a few things away from me
But they’re also poisoning me slowly
So many chemicals in my body flowing, pure impurity
Don’t have enough energy to handle them & still remain me

The feeling of moving 2 steps forward & 1 backward
It’s not that things aren’t moving on the right path
But it doesn’t mean I feel normal as I used to be
Perhaps that’s the meaning to redefine & redesign me

Sometimes it’s irritating when I can’t hold the things with my left hand as I used to be
Every other day I’m breaking something into pieces, that brings the frustration into me
But I’m not giving up & I won’t coz keep failing is the way of learning
Mesmerized at the same time how brain has affected me physically & mentally

The feeling of handicap comes & goes when I can’t do the things I used to
Struggling to do the small things that used to be so normal back then to me
Where I never had to think of “how to” or “now let me see”
I must drop the phrase “that I used to be” coz I need to rewire to reach where I used to be

At times I feel the heavy burden on the whole family
Just want to break down this wall with my left fist & want to scream
Until every single brick gets crushed or falls apart
Where I retain my balance without my brain makes me feel dizzy

Don’t tell me it’s very normal
Don’t tell me this is how it is
Don’t tell me it’s a part of the process
Don’t tell me I’m not getting crazy

No, I’m not writing so you feel bad about me
No, sympathy is the last thing I need
Perhaps this is the reminder to be thankful for every single thing
It doesn’t matter if it’s big or small or very simple thing

I’m calm & determined but restless & annoyed at the same time
Complex but that’s what’s going on
Still learning to accept my situation
Where the key is patience & inner peace
They can’t be found anywhere but in the burning core of this human being

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