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Many Frustrations & Manifestation

It’s like writing with my own hands my own crazy journal
Feeling as if the ink is becoming thicker & so infernal
Adding one extra sickness due to this sickening kernel
Loosing sometimes my mind, though the soul is eternal

Brain hemorrhage has been raised with epilepsy in this game of revelation
The medicine I take, is quite heavy in the current prescription
The feeling that I’m doped, isn’t some mindless imagination
My head is heavier with these crazy thoughts due to shear frustration

Shaken & shocked to the core after this new information
I didn’t realize till now, I could’ve been ashes, my true confession
I thought back then, all I needed was a few weeks of rehabilitation
This all is dragging me down to new levels of irritation

But I’m still dedicated to move in the true direction
Motivated to walk in my shoes & balance my imperfect feet to perfection
Ready to work harder to get back the grip & sensation
Steering wheels through this difficult bumpy ride to reach my stable station

It’s all about healing in real time without maximum acceleration
Perhaps this all has a deeper meaning, it’s beyond sense perception
It’s to heal the unhealed body & soul with therapies, mindfulness & meditation
A new chance to reignite my life, the beginning of my own manifestation

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Happy B’day My Dearest Wife

Original poetry

You are that golden & intense sunshine
Who lighten up my darkened shades & gloomy signs
Even though we’re going through very difficult times
It’s you, who has kept me & the family alive
You’re the beautiful being with the sense of the sublime
The heart of yours is pure & divine
The emotions flow in you as the waves – sinusoid
I’m deeply thankful that you’re in my life
I know, I don’t always show it & sometimes I make you cry
But you must know that I love you very high, you’re the magical kind
Jan – A Very Happy B’day from our beautiful kids & me – my dearest & beautiful wife

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Snapping

Original poetry, Poems about aggression, Poems about anger

I can feel something has changed in me
And it’s just not me who share this opinion about me
Coz I can see that it doesn’t take a lot before I loose control of my scene

If the things aren’t the way I like, then I get very upset & very mean
Then the moments begin where I start nagging & complaining about immaterial things
It’s just right there, I make it worse by snapping over family

Nothing matters to me at that point coz I can’t figure things out
Sometimes I don’t even know what I did wrong & why it’s my fault
Sometimes I wonder why so much smoke coming out from the wooden log
They just look at me in despair & are ready to sob
All I need is my space but the whole space is blinded by this thick fog

So tell me how I can rationalize
If I don’t know I’m about to jeopardize
The relationship & family lives
I’m not that scary monster, ready to eat everyone alive

It pains me to see them suffer
But then why have I become so blunt & why can’t I shut up?
Why can’t I simply use heart as the filter?
To let go of the things which can’t be used as the filler

So I need me to help me out
To find & then sort the things out
To scream in my own ears so loud
To find clear skies behind the darker clouds
All I need is to breathe the air in & then breathe it out

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Pills, Pieces & Peace

Original poetry, Poems about drugs, Poems about pain

Taking the strong epilepsy pills twice a day since I’ve got the cramps
Every night painkiller & anti histamin join this insane party of flashy pills
Feeling doped but I still can’t sleep or get rid of the body pain
Hoping this all will soon end coz I don’t want to be pills’ dependent

Pills are keeping a few things away from me
But they’re also poisoning me slowly
So many chemicals in my body flowing, pure impurity
Don’t have enough energy to handle them & still remain me

The feeling of moving 2 steps forward & 1 backward
It’s not that things aren’t moving on the right path
But it doesn’t mean I feel normal as I used to be
Perhaps that’s the meaning to redefine & redesign me

Sometimes it’s irritating when I can’t hold the things with my left hand as I used to be
Every other day I’m breaking something into pieces, that brings the frustration into me
But I’m not giving up & I won’t coz keep failing is the way of learning
Mesmerized at the same time how brain has affected me physically & mentally

The feeling of handicap comes & goes when I can’t do the things I used to
Struggling to do the small things that used to be so normal back then to me
Where I never had to think of “how to” or “now let me see”
I must drop the phrase “that I used to be” coz I need to rewire to reach where I used to be

At times I feel the heavy burden on the whole family
Just want to break down this wall with my left fist & want to scream
Until every single brick gets crushed or falls apart
Where I retain my balance without my brain makes me feel dizzy

Don’t tell me it’s very normal
Don’t tell me this is how it is
Don’t tell me it’s a part of the process
Don’t tell me I’m not getting crazy

No, I’m not writing so you feel bad about me
No, sympathy is the last thing I need
Perhaps this is the reminder to be thankful for every single thing
It doesn’t matter if it’s big or small or very simple thing

I’m calm & determined but restless & annoyed at the same time
Complex but that’s what’s going on
Still learning to accept my situation
Where the key is patience & inner peace
They can’t be found anywhere but in the burning core of this human being

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Slow & Steady

Original poetry

Once upon a time
I saw the dark skies
The stars were shining bright
But the inside of me was in terrible fright

The night then passed by
The sun was showering its golden light
But I was picturing the worst if I weren’t alive
The confidence was lacking in me at that time

Picturing scenes with horrible endings
Where my family left behind with my ashes & nothing
Paralyzed body & unstable mind was planting these thoughts in my grounding
Everything was unclear & unsharp with bad timing

But then I invited myself to meet me
To look at the things differently with the eyes of spirituality
I believe everything happens for a reason, nothing is coincidentally
This bleeding in bleeding tells me something deeper than the mind can grasp mentally

Then I decided to reset my inside
I started to accept my new reality inside & out
I understood no wonder was going to happen overnight
Slow & steady progress is the only way to find the stable ground
To reach the unknown places, where I can reunite the soul, the body & the mind

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Piece of Mind

Original poetry, Spiritual poems

I can’t do several things in the now
That I used to in my previous time
The things that were already defined
The need to shout & cry
When things look different on my site
When obstructions are difficult to line
Wish to work, that I can’t deny
When my hand won’t work even though I try
When I feel helpless but I still keep going on & fight
I need to now quantify
To clearly justify
Then to nullify
The new awakening to simply redefine
To purely redesign
To mentally & spiritually refine
To simply search & find
To restitute my peace of mind
The obscure is the new defined
With this crazy mind
That speaks when I sleep at night
To walk me through my inside
To enlighten & give me the insight
To simply simplify
And then to synthesize
To make things synchronize
With this body & my mind
The formless form makes me to fly
To form the fireflies
That light the darker skies
That make my vision of a different kind
That’s so clear with infinite sight
Coz I won’t give up till I die
Sounds crazy but this is how I’m living my life

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Phase It

Original poetry, Spiritual poems

So listen to me
I can see myself in me
That big spot in my brain I see
My body is cut into two with that seam
It’s just not the bleeding I feel
It seems as if my body & mind have been
Big scars that are ready to peel
My inner self will one day going to heal

But this all isn’t come for free
It’s not been easy for fear & pain to relieve
To inject hope & will power to believe
To simply change the scenery of this scene
This is what I truly & deeply mean
The pictures in my head & heart that need to be seen
Are not perfect but they are very real & clean

The therapists have helped me to refill & relive
The shaky stairs when I looked down made my mind play tricks
The balance I lost when I walked or stood still
The white angel once entered to rescue me from those two evils
The sleepless nights & body pain that made me so ill

Now I’m back home after over 5 weeks of rehab
I’m glad to be with family but I still miss the time at rehab
It sounds somewhat selfish but it’s true, I don’t wish to hide that
Slow & steady is the trick, I’m taking the baby steps
Hoping one day body & mind would synchronize their sensational act
I would very much like to feel & see that
Rehab phase 2 is about to begin & I’m ready to beast that
Peace of mind & peaceful heart is what I need to reach there

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